Topic Title: 6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Kelly?
| |  "6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Kelly?"
, Thu 22 Dec 04:51
Okay, well, this is going to be a long post so... you might want to settle in. ;-) Oh, and Kelly, if you ~do~ happen to read this, and respond, thank you. Well, thank you AGAIN, actually, after already thanking you for putting this site up here in the first place. Kelly, I'm sure you've heard this many, many times before, but on the behalf of all the people whom you have helped and whom have not thanked you - and also this lowly twenty-six-year-old young woman from the Eastern United States - Thank you. This site brought me hope when I had none and gave me a path when I was blind and ready to give up.
Well, I suppose that, to be fair, I should start with a summarization of what led me, first, to this site and, second, what made me start taking St. John's Wort.
I've struggled with various degrees of depression my entire life, first without knowing what it was, second without believing what it could have been could happen to me - I was the eldest and most prodigious daughter of a brilliant minister, I had unshakable faith in God and incredible gifts of mind and body, how could I be depressed, right? - and third, without knowing why.
Depression - or, rather, my slow response to it - has ruined my life up til now. I dropped out of my first college during my Sophomore year after a bout of Depression during late October/ early November crippled me and then spent the majority of the next two or three or four months in bed. My parents - thank God for them - recognized that I wasn't just being reclusive and anti-social, but that I might actually be just Depressed, so they sent me to a shrink. It might have actually done me some good to see him, but... I was an ignorant twenty-year old girl who thought she was immune to Depression and Mental Conditions - In my defense, I was pretty sheltered growing up, and even though I knew my Dad had been coping with Depression since before I was a teenager, I assumed it was just something to do with the crappy cards he'd been dealt in life, not something that might actually have a chemical basis and might, therefore, be inheritable. When I went to see the therapist, I lied, I belied the seriousness of how I was feeling and rationalized it and convinced the doctor to write me off as someone who might have been feeling depressed for a while but had gotten over it, and in truth, I felt I had.
But then next fall/winter, the symptoms returned. At the time though, I didn't so much notice them - I was going through a dark time in my first real 'serious' romantic relationship, and was unable to get out of bed most mornings, or attend class, or eat sometimes - all of which I attributed to the damaged state of my 'big romance.' It didn't occur to me that my symptoms might be the return of the depression I'd had the year before.
And then the next year rolled by, and after a fairly productive, fairly positive spring and summer, my symptoms returned - oh, but, of course, once again, I ignored them, because at the same time - in early October, I think - I lost my first 'big romance' to changing life directions and needs, and ... well, who doesn't feel depressed after that, right? Especially half way across the country from your home and family? How else would someone respond but with depression? I threw myself into my job and when I was home, I hid from my feelings by throwing myself into the online world, I had a handful of badly managed relationships, I experimented with different sexual pursuits *shudders!*, took on roomates whom I let rob and steal and cheat me for the pleasure of having some friendship and company... all for naught. I came home that summer to my friends and family, and was depressed - off and on - for the better part of the summer and fall, and then again with a vengence in the winter.
My parents shipped me off to another therapist, who came up with a similar theory to the one before - because I hid from him the true nature of my debilitations, he assumed that, while I may have been depressed for a while, I had recovered. And maybe I had. I certainly started feeling better when the spring and summer rolled around, even after leaving home and winding up homeless for a while, I seemed to feel mostly positive, and okay, like I could fix whatever was going wrong in my life.
But that winter, well, symptoms returned again. But this time it was my first time away from my family for the entire fall and winter season and without their love and presence in my life, I assumed that I HAD to feel depressed, because what girl wouldn't miss working with her mother in the kitchen at Thanksgiving or walking with her father in the snow to look at Christmas lights or snuggling with her brother in the basement to play video games or watch movies?
The next winter was the same, with one exception. I was in the midst of my SECOND 'big romance,' and even though my love was miles and miles away, we could spend our nights together online or on the phone, and the strength and the warmth of that love - having someone to come home to, even if they weren't really at home - counter-balanced things I was feeling. But it didn't remove my anxiety or my fears, and I didn't realise how much I was eating up that 'love' for my day-to-day sustenance until it faded in January, leaving me feeling lonely, sad, and bereft. But again, I associated my depressive feelings with the disintegration of my relationship, not with any other form of depression.
I guess you can see a trend here, yeah? Winter/Fall Depression? Ohhh, I wish I could have. I mean, I knew about people who had the 'Holiday Blues,' but ... I assumed that those were the desperate, lonely 'blues' of people who needed family around the Holiday Season and could not get it. Nothing more. Not until this year.
In early October of this year, I started experiencing a sense of ... worthlessness and despair that made no sense to me. It was vague, and had no real focus. I mean, sure, I was 'single' and unattached, but I had plenty of friends and could easily find a date or a lover if I wanted to. I had just bought five seasons of my favorite television show on DVD! I had seen all the cool movies of the summer and loved them, I had a 'secure' job situation that paid me just around 10 dollars an hour and plenty more than I needed for day to day living in my humble little trailer in the mountains. Every week I would go and spend one or two days with a 'friend' of sorts and babysit her kids, which, if not my most favorite activity in the world, was at least a distraction from the rest of my week, and an excuse to get to watch free Cable Movies like King Arthur and Master and Commander! Woot! ... right?
Except that I felt alone, and isolated, and increasingly despairing. And even though, as the weeks went on, I tried to define my feelings, which usually helped me resolve my problems, the 'solution' kept evading me. Sure I could make more friends - but that didn't really help. Was it that I wanted a lover? Maybe... so I found one who was as attentive and loving as I could want one to be, but ... that didn't really seem to help either. Well, maybe it was my job then, I'd had the same call-center job for two and a half years without significant promotion or advancement, and it was becoming a struggle to even SHOW UP, much less take any actual phone calls or do any work... so maybe that was it? But no, I took a week off of work and had a friend come to visit me, and while she was there I started feeling even worse than I had been - I almost looked forward to going to work for the distraction it provided.
I felt trapped. Locked into my life. Hopeless. Future-less. Support-less, like the smallest wind might take my fragile life and destroy it, turn it to dust and ashes. I felt unloved and unlovable. Unwanted and ... unwantable. If my own family didn't want anything to do with me because I wasn't content to live my life their way, who would ever want anything to do with me? I didn't have any money saved up, so ... what would happen if I couldn't work anymore? Would I lose my home? Be homeless? The defaulting of a forgotten student loan suddenly left me feeling very financially untenable - I've always had an anxiety and aversion to anything that required a regular and timely monthly payment, and the idea of a defaulted student loan that required monthly payments to be kept out of wage garnishment crippled me beyond reason.
All of my worries compounded and compounded on themselves until I could no longer think or act rationally. I felt fogged or confused, like I was living in a dark tunnel that was growing longer and darker every time I tried to take a step forward - NOTHING could solve my problems. Even the rational solutions to my individual problems did nothing to alleviate my overall depression. I lost my taste for the DVDs I loved, for the books I craved, for the foods I desired, and my only sustenance came from reading and watching and eating NEW things that ... while not enough to alleviate my despair - distracted me from it for a while. And while I didn't really ENJOY these things to the extent I knew I should, the distraction was such a welcome relief that I was almost addicted to watching the next new movie or eating the next new kind of Chinese food or reading the next new book so that I could be distracted for at least a few minutes longer. Just a few minutes. Just a few more minutes. It was ... pathetic. And my despair was increasing. I suddenly started thinking not about whether I wanted to die but... how I could LET myself die. Wishing that I could just close my eyes one night and will myself into not waking up the next morning, or that I could somehow just be at the end of my life so that I wouldn't have to endure anymore. The thought of suicide still scared me, but it was doing so less and less every day.
And then, there was a breakthrough. I started noticing the shortening of the days, and how I longed for sunlight. How I dreaded the coming of night and the falling of darkness. Did I notice a distinct shift in my moods after darkness fell? I felt that I did, but maybe it was just a general sort of sinking feeling that once the sun was gone, my world, my hopes, and my joys, turned to Ash and Darkness. For a while - during early/mid October and very early November - I found refuge in Video Games and Movies, but it disintegrated all together as mid-November rolled around. I slept horribly all night long, and then blissfully all day, until I could not get up on time anymore. I lost my appetite sometimes, and had no end of appetite at others. Some days I craved the attention of people who loved me, and some days I just wanted to hide and let the void have me. I wished for things to just 'be over.'
What a horrible place to be! It peaked during Thanksgiving, when a beloved friend visited from out of town. Here I was, spending 24/7 with someone who was obviously enjoying my attention and affections and friendship, and whom I could laugh and enjoy being with, and ... I still felt empty. Despairing. Depressed. Harry Potter alleviated things for a couple of hours by distracting me, as did video games and new movies and new music, but every time I allowed myself to THINK again, every time I was not DISTRACTED by something, my thoughts invariably turned to feelings of worthlessness and despair.
I almost considered going home, becoming a 'dutiful daughter,' throwing my self-made life away if I could just go back to that time in my early life when I felt like surrounding myself with family could cure all ills. It couldn't, of course, but I didn't really realise that when I was younger. When you're really young, if you're lucky, you don't realise that anything can ever alter the 'unconditional love' your parents seem to have for you. When you're older, you start to learn to love yourself, and do what is best for you, and then you learn that all love has conditions and limits.
What was I to do? I just wanted to be dead. NOT to kill myself - please don't think I was suicidal, I'm brigh enough to know that I wasn't ... yet... at a stage where hurting myself, even the tiniest of scratches, was not something I was ready to consider, but the release of death into the arms of a loving God became something I very much longed for - if it would alleviate my suffering.
I knew I had to do something. In my more lucid moments - when I was most tired, or spent the most time under a particularly bright 'mental wellness' light bulb, I could feel again, think again, almost clearly, so I knew there had to be something WRONG with me the other 99% of the time, if I could just figure out what it was.
One night, I got on Google and typed in a bunch of variations on "sunset makes me depressed", because that was the only indicator I had discovered. The only thing I felt was real in the whole nightmare.
A wealth of knowledge spat itself back up at me. Seasonal Affective Disorder. SAD. WINTER DEPRESSION. There was a name for what was wrong with me! Other people had it - and better yet, other people had BEATEN it! Surely there was hope for me... Surely?
I read everything I could find. I wrote my friends and found out that a handful of them had similarly experienced "SAD"-related problems in the winter. One of them seemed to have the exact same symptoms I did! She was taking an herbal medicine called "Happy Days," though, which I have never been able to uncover information about, and I haven't been able to reach her since then to ask about St. John's. But I read about Lightboxes.
That's when my crest fell and my hope vanished. I didn't even have the money from paycheck to paycheck to see a therapist on a sliding-fee, and there was no Employee-Wellness program at my job. How could I afford a lightbox? My aunt, a trained therapist, could only do so much for me from Minnesota, and even TALKING TO PEOPLE could only help me so far. Even after I started saving money, even after I started resolving the individual problems that plagued me, my depression and despair remained, ever more groundless than before. While my rational mind told me in my sane moments that there was a way out of this problem, that I, the girl who survived homelessness and the rejection of her immediate family and the loss of two great loves, and had prevailed, could find a way past this small 'uncertain' patch in my life, I could not get past this despair and hopelessness. Waking up, I felt terrified, empty, despairing, and all day long, only distracting myself by reading things online at work or by throwing myself into books I had never read before could distract me - I had no hope to feel 'okay,' only distracted. I enjoyed nothing. I loved nothing. I wanted only oblivion, and so I slept more and more, later and later, embraced my work with new fervor as long as it distracted me, and did all I could to not think or feel ANYTHING. I was numb, an emotional nueter.
Well, eventually, I did ~something.~ I bought a special 'sunlight light bulb' from Walmart and spent time sitting under it every day - 30 minutes, an hour, two hours. And while I did feel a slight 'lift' after using it, it wasn't enough, and the effect never seemed to really free me of my despair. Oh, I suppose I felt some modicrum of distraction from my despair if I spent a day sitting under it, but nothing more than that. Not enough to be 'useful.' I still enjoyed nothing, loved nothing, felt nothing.
And then, two weeks later, someone told me about St. John's Wort. It was passing comment, just a ... fragment, really, but it stuck in my brain. I did a search on-line for anything I could turn up, and that was when I stumbled upon this fabulous site.
Once again -- thank you, Kelly. Thank you.
This site gave me hope. Hope that I might be able to feel again. Enjoy things again, LIVE again, and function again. I hadn't had hope like that for weeks, months. And now, there was hope.
Last thursday - just under a week ago - I went and purchased a bottle of St. John's Wort 0.3% Standardized Extract. At 3 pills of 300mg (900total) a day, I had enough for 50 days, enough for me to try this solution, and hope for the best. If after 7 weeks I was not feeling some improvement, well... at least I would only have another month or two to go before the SAD began to wear off and spring returned. I could try something else next year, maybe even save enough money to see a professional.
And yet, within a few hours of my first dose, I started feeling better. I could think again. I felt like a fog had rolled back from my mind and I could 'breathe' again. My sadnesses and worries were still there, but they were reasonable, they could be rationalized and dealt with - even defeated. But it was just the first day - I knew it had to be placebo effect. Right?
But the second day felt even better than the first. And the third was a good day, too. I started watching movies again, instead of hiding from them for fear that they would bore me or depress me, rather than distract me. Listening to music gave me creative ideas for writing that I hadn't had in months, really. I developed an appetite again after weeks without one, really. I redeveloped an interest in my appearance and trimmed my hair, switched makeup styles to a 'winter' look, even updated my warddrobe. I solved the majority of the problems that beset me at my job, started setting money aside, and felt as though I could think and feel again for the first time in ages. I started ... letting myself feel the ups and downs of sadness and worry again, instead of hiding from them. I started feeling humor at things in movies I had not watched in a while. I started laughing at things that happened during the day instead of just politely smiling. And I started not to 'need' attention as much. I could go a few hours a night without talking to people online, I didn't 'need' the interaction with people in the dark so much to feel okay.
I didn't nessecarily feel 'GOOD' - though there were moments, particularly during the mornings when I woke up and felt RESTED for the first time in weeks or the times when a movie I had not watched in months made me smile or laugh or cry or when the concept of a story or a writing idea intrigued me - but I felt ... almost normal again. I could feel my sadnesses and deal with them. And while the despair was still there, hiding at the edges of my conciousness, it was - for the time being - held at bay.
I've almost started to forget what the despair felt like. In less than a week, I've started to have problems remembering how bleak I felt, how empty I felt, how I would cry just because I felt so DOWN with no real reason or provokation some times, how I couldn't enjoy anything, loved nothing, wanted nothing except to end it all. The instantaneous reversion from that horrible despair to something more managable in one or two days' time was unexpected, and almost so sudden that I couldn't precisely remember how I felt before.
(I took this quiz that I found here on this discussion forum http://psychcentral.com/depquiz.htm and came up with a result around 75 - Severe Depression)
Now, it's been six days since I started taking St. John's, and I've had both ups... and downs. There was the FIRST NIGHT, after which I felt both relieved from the 'placebo' effect and worried that it would wear off and leave me despairing, the second morning when I woke up feeling refreshed and at peace (not terrified and consumed with dread) for the first time in a while. I wrote the following in my journal:
"In the meantime, I'm having what I'm ... well, mostly certain... is a placebo effect from the first two doses. About an hour or two after I took the first dose, I started feeling... less fogged over. That's the best way I can describe how I've been feeling for the last month and a half, two months - like I was living life behind fogged goggles or in a tunnel with the light at the end growing farther and farther away with every step I took. I felt ... okay... for most of the rest of the day at work, just happy to be working and doing a phenemonal job at my work, and not feeling ... despairing or terrified. There was a bit of letdown feeling when I got home that night, as if I'd have rather been back at work where I was feeling fine, but some of that may have been anxiety about a social situation - I still felt less despairing and "what am I gonne do???" That night, I went to bed on time and took a dose just before falling asleep, as I'd been advised, and for the first time in ... two months or so... I slept WELL. Not well in a sense of sleeping a LOT, just well in that I felt GOOD when I woke up. I only slept about 8 hours, really, and woke up once or twice to check the time and make sure I wasn't oversleeping, but when I finally came to around 10:30, I felt GOOD for the first time in ... so long. I can't remember whether it was October or November since I felt that good after sleeping. Every morning since the beginning of this depression, I've woken up in a state of fear, loneliness, despair, depression, and anxiety that made the prospect of getting out of bed almost terrifying enough to keep me in bed for hours and hours longer than I really needed to. This morning, however, I woke up and felt REFRESHED. Still physically a little tired, but good. Almost happy. Comfortable and safe and relaxed - and I've felt that way most of the day, minus the occasional anxiety here or there. I feel ~good.~"
The SECOND Day I felt pretty good - unremarkably 'okay' - throughout the day, and at night I fell asleep and slept - off and on - until 7:00pm the next day!
THIRD DAY - Even despite regretting having slept most of my day away, I felt... refreshed, and I watched movies I had not seen in months and enjoyed them, and listened to music that would have had me in tears a week before and felt INSPIRED instead of sad or scared or anxious. The only downside was that, either as a result of the medication or the after-effects of having slept 14 hours the day before, I could not sleep at all the second night, and while not scared or depressed at all, I could not sleep until around 9am in the morning.
The FOURTH DAY, even though I got up before I had to go to work, I was late for work because of cabs that did not run as they promised, which frightened me because I had missed a bunch of work the month or so before because of my depression and I knew I was wearing thin on the suffrage of my employers - so I was worried about that for a good portion of the day. But despite being worried about that in specific, I didn't feel despair or depression or hopelessness (The cycle of terror that paralyzed me into thinking "I can't do this, I'll lose my job, they're gonna fire me, I'm worthless, no one will hire me, it's all for nothing, I just wish I were dead.") In my journal I wrote:
"So, yeah, a crappy day. And amidst the concern over being secure in my job (my number one job woe is my attendance, above and beyond. It's just HARD AS HECK to be reliably on time when you don't have your own transportation, and a bike ride in the middle of winter - with ice and freezing rain and cold - is not a workable solution) I can't tell if I'm genuinely feeling more depressed again, like I was before I started taking St. John's, or if I'm just reacting to the worry about my job which gets me worked up and worried even during the height of summer and the best of my best moods. I guess, I can say that ... honestly... I think that if this had happenned to me a week before, before I started taking St. John's, I would be terrified and fear-struck and almost paralyzed with despair right now, and ... right now, I'm not. I feel concern about my job, but I also feel like I can put it aside and deal with the world as it is and not as I'm afraid it will be, and even the prospect of losing my job and having to find another doesn't terrify me as much as it did a week ago, before I started taking the Wort. How much of this can be attributed to the herb I don't know... but I guess maybe it's helping, a little."
The FIFTH DAY was mostly uneventful. I walked to work, worked well, came home, started reading a good book and went to bed around 3 or 4am, like normal (Understand - I don't even get off of work until midnight, so going to bed at 4am IS normal for me.) There were moments during the night when I felt flashes of fear or sadness or something indescribable, but nothing more, even when I came home, which is an event that has lately depressed me more than anything - I've missed being at work for the opportunity to surround myself with people, and coming home to a cold, lonely house has been a downer, but on the Fifth Night I didn't feel that!
The SIXTH DAY has been an experience in and off itself. This is the first day for a number of things. The First Day that didn't lock myself up on the computer while at home all day to avoid thinking or feeling, the first day that I didn't feel the need to spend all my time talking to people online or on the phone or in person in order to feel okay, the first day that I could spend comfortable in bed, reading and eating while comfortable under the covers, and the first day that I felt strong enough to face the lingering sadness and fears that I have and confront them to determine whether I am still feeling the hopelessness and despair that I was feeling a week or go or whether I am now just feeling FEARS that are rational. I have determined that my current fears are not related to work or to money, but rather to a sadness born of romantic loneliness - I have no lover right now - and familial loneliness - I miss my family and my closest friends, my family ignoring me and my friends busy with pre-Christmas family obligations. And I'm a little bored. lol. I get tired of staying home and watching movies, even when I DO enjoy them. Reading Eldest was a nice break, but it's over now, and I have time to THINK again.
But today, I don't want to die. I don't feel the well-spring of despair or hopelesness or anxiety that poisoned me for so many weeks. I didn't wake up this morning afraid of the tiniest thing. I did have a nap that resulted in nightmares of being pursued by a serial killer later on, but that anxiety faded quickly after I awoke, instead of lingering like a paralyzing poison for hours. I ENJOYED my book instead of merely being distracted by it. I enjoyed watching movies and eating food, instead of merely sating my hunger and distracting myself.
I retook the depression quiz tonight, and came back with a 25 - mild to moderate depression - whereas a few days ago, I was at a 75! And I retook the quiz both times on both nights to see if that was how I was REALLY FEELING. I do feel improved. I just don't know.. how. And I know that that quiz is not an accurate representation or a perfect diagnostic tool, but even as a wide-generic rudder for steering... it seems that I am feeling better.
And yet, I continue to have sad or scared flashes and moments. But because I can no longer really FEEL how I felt a week ago, and because a journal can only tell me so much about how I was feeling the last two months, I'm having problems comparing these feelings and explaining them.
Now I come to the reason for this post. I wish to glean from other people - brave souls who actually READ my entire post!!! - how their experiences with anti-depressants, placebo effects, and lingering feelings might relate to MY situation. I could use any and all CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK. ;-) In your experiences, have the first week of your anti-depressant trials (particularly as it relates to St. John's Wort) been similar to this? Have you felt an immediate BUFFER of improved mood at all? Was it placebo for you, or did it sustain itself into a gradual improvement? I'm not one typically prone to placebo effects with medication of any kind... I'm pretty quick to doubt wonderdrugs or cures of ANY kind, and St. John's, despite it's proven effectiveness, is NOT a wonderdrug or a cure, but a common treatment that has varied effectiveness. I wasn't expecting a placebo effect, but lo and behold, I seem to have one. But... if I am experiencing one, then why do I feel momentary flashes of fear or sadness? Is it because it's a fake placebo effect, or ... is it just because the drug has not yet fully kicked in? Or are these, in your vaunted opinions *many suggestive winks*, genuine feelings that I should consider real and not fear as the hold overs of despair?
I would particularly delight to hear something from you, Kelly. Not just because you seem so knowledgable in this area, or because this fine website was your creation, but because you seem particularly adroit in explaining the whys and hows of what you experienced about the drug, and know much more about the varied experiences of others than anyone else I can contact can claim to.
And finally, a practical question. I am having trouble keeping to a regular regimen of two or three doses a day, and I fear that this is affecting my sleep patterns and energy levels, so I'm considering switching to a single dry dose (900mg) on an empty stomache (which seems to help the absorbancy) in the evening around midnight every night, as that's as close as I can get to my NORMAL bed time and is an easy to remember time because that's when I get off of work. Any opinions on that?
Please. :) I shared with you my experiences - long and varied as it was, and I beg your forgiveness for the boredom you must have experienced at my hand. :) Please indulge me with a few answers.
Humbly and Hopefully yours,
Rebecca
Yub Yub. ~_*
Posts: 1 | | Registered: Thu 22 Dec 2005 2:15 |
| |
| |  "Re(1):6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Ke"
, Thu 22 Dec 14:57
I enjoyed reading your story. I'm very glad that you are feeling better! I too have Winter Depression. I have used a light box for about 12 years now, with good success. I have also used SJW in the past, of and on. Just this Sept I started using it again, and have just this week stopped again. I don't think you experienced a placebo effect. I also feel, within hours, the effect of taking a SJW tablet. Some might think it's placebo....but I think I just react quickly to meds, even small amounts of meds. I only needed 600 mg. a day this time. In the past I've had to use sometimes 900 mg. or sometimes only 300 mg. 600 mg SJW has yet again helped me over my latest depressive, down in the dumps episode. I'm actually feeling a bit manic, especially for this time of the year, and decided to discontinue, and see how it goes. Good luck to you, may you continue to feel good, and I hope Kelly pops in here to chat with you!
Posts: 198 | | Registered: Sat 29 Sep 2001 10:2 |
| | | "Re(2):6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Ke" , Thu 22 Dec 21:10
*hugs!* Thanks for your reply! You're right, the more I think about it, the more it seems that SOMETHING has happenned - whether it's just a very minimal something or not - over the last week. If that's so, well, I hope the effect gets a bit stronger over the next few weeks. :)
When does your winter depression usually run from? Mine seems to start sometime at the end of September and run until around Februaryish, with November and December and January being the worst months over all. What about you?
Glad the light box is working for you! If I could get a therapueitic one, I'd probably have tried that before St. John's, but without a credit card to order it online or any stores that sell 'good' lightboxes in the area, I had to consider other options.
Yub Yub. ~_*
Posts: 2 | | Registered: Thu 22 Dec 2005 2:15 |
| | |  "Re(3):6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Ke"
, Fri 23 Dec 07:10:
I notice it starting almost at the end of August. I will begin to feel uneasy. Used to think it had to do with the beginning of school, and maybe that's some of it, a type of conditioning. But I will notice more things in Sept. that others don't give any thought to, and feel uneasy. Like birds flocking and flying south, the days getting noticably shorter, the slant of the sun coming through the branches of the trees as I'm riding my bike, the color of the sunlight changes...By mid Oct., when all the leaves have fallen off, I just feel icky, doomed, things feel out of control, I start to gain weight, and really wonder how I'm going to get through another winter......Its hard to get out and exercise, I just want to sit like a lump and not move. This year my mental state was just horrible in August and beginning Sept. Thought of how worthless I am, life soooo sucks, the world is out of control, doom and gloom. Then I took the SJW, and it's amazing how those thoughts just fade.....until I couldn't even muster one up, and if I did, it was almost a funny thing, how hard I had to work on finding something. November's are really bad for me. So cloudy and gloomy. I just want to hybernate. Dec. seems to pick up a tiny bit, busy with the holidays, and then January is pretty bad again. But in my heart, when it turns January, the hope of Spring is sooooo strong, and even though I feel like hybernating, there is something in me that's excited, the old is past, here is a new Spring coming. February, I beging to want to get out a bit more, by March, I'm out there on my bike, and I usually get a wave of Spring Fever, butterflies in my stomach. Then each month, I just feel better and better and better, until I'm rather manic again in July and August.....until the end of August.....then the feelings of dread start creeping up....
Right now, it's very unusual how I am feeling. I am rather anxious about some upcoming event in January, and anxiety seems to have taken over, not depression. I am reved up! Losing weight for the first time in the winter. It feels like July. We'll see what the middle and end of January feels like.....
And the weather was particulary warm this fall, so I was able to Force myself out on bike rides rather late into the season. I did have to force myself. Moan and groan...time to go for Another bike ride...get out there...and I'd pedal really slow like molassas...and then I'd feel a bit better and start to participate in the ride instead of just being on a bike. I don't know if that helped, the warmth and extra exercise so late into the year. Definately, taking the SJW made a difference in mood and attitude. It started working right away, and just got better and better. I still have bad times, down times, gloomy negative thoughts, but they are just not as intense. And they are appropriate for the situation, usually. I seem able to cope and bounce back after a couple days. Not a persistent gloom and doom hanging over me.
Got my light box from Sunbox.com.
Hope you continue to feel better and better!
[this message was edited by mmf on Fri 23 Dec 07:15]
Posts: 200 | | Registered: Sat 29 Sep 2001 10:2 |
| | "Re(1):6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Ke" , Thu 22 Dec 14:56
Hi, Rebecca,
just wanted to say hello and wish you well. Depression really sucks ! Am only on day 14 so it is early days. I've read that you need to give sjw 6 weeks to take full effect. I can't say I have found a huge difference yet but a few days ago I forgot to take my dose at bedtime and the next day I felt a lot worse. I take three 300mg capsules at bedtime which suits me. Hang in there :-)
Posts: 2 | | Registered: Tue 13 Dec 2005 13:35 |
| | | "Re(2):6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Ke" , Thu 22 Dec 21:13
Thanks for responding!! Like you, I hope that the 'full effect' does kick in sometime soon. I do enjoy not feeling despair and full blow hopelessness anymore, but the results have been too gradual and too short-term for me to notice an appreciable difference yet (except by writing out how I'm feeling in painstaking detail like I did here! heh!) I know I'm only in the first week, but if even this small improvement is something I can look forward to more of in a couple more weeks, then I say HURRAY! I just ... hope that I'm not wrong.
Yub Yub. ~_*
Posts: 3 | | Registered: Thu 22 Dec 2005 2:15 |
| | | "Re(3):6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Ke" , Sat 24 Dec 01:57
Hi Rebecca,
I just thought I'd share part of my experience and what I have heard other people say here on the forum.
I also had a guick response to SJW, thank god! Then, after about a week, it started fluctuating with ups and downs and I was really afraid that SJW wasn't going to work for me. Bouts of restlessness, poor mood, etc. I played with the dosage during this time as well as different formulation but eventually just stuck it out at 450mg 2 x day in the morning and at noon. It took several months for me before it stabilized. Now I use a liquid form 3-4 times during the day as I need it depending on my mood and stress level.
I have read several posts here where people have experienced these fluctuations so I just wanted to give you a heads up and let you know that that tends to stabilize, so hang in there, it's worth it!
Lots of good luck to you and happy holidays.
Posts: 12 | | Registered: Sat 3 Dec 2005 1:8 |
| | | "Re(4):6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Ke" , Mon 26 Dec 05:43
Thank you, and Happy Holidays to you too. :) Yeah, the fluctuations that I've had - ups and downs - have been kinda hard to cope with, but I'm at 10 days so far and MOST of the time I've been doing pretty decent lately, with very very little of the despair and hopelessness that I was experiencing before and only a generalized sense of 'fear' that I'm hoping will go away in a few more weeks or so. I've been combining Cod Liver Oil with the Wort for a few days now in hope that the extra Vitamin A and D will help me with the symptoms of SAD, and thus far, my experience with that has been better too. Overall, I just feel ... better. I have anxiety and worry about getting up in the morning or sitting at the computer for a period of time, but there's been a couple hours during each of the last three days in which I actually FORGOT that I'd been feeling suicidal and hopeless just 10 days ago. If this keeps going at the pace that it is, then when the drugs kick into their full effect, I should be almost normal again - and that I can't wait for.
Yub Yub. ~_*
Posts: 4 | | Registered: Thu 22 Dec 2005 2:15 |
| | | "Re(5):6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Ke" , Mon 26 Dec 12:19
Rebecca - it was nice to read your personnal struggles - and now your excitement that you've found an aid to help!! Congratulations for you.
I agree that the first realization, as you said, where you "forgot for 3 days that I had [previously] been feeling suicidal", is a monumental feeling of personal success. Celebrate that feeling, because its those realizations and the pleasure you get from them that is part of your healing process.
Remember those feelings of worthlessness and self-defeate-ism so that, next August and September, when the negative thoughts start to creep back into your mind, you can remind yourself of this exact feeling right now: "You know, I remember how I used to think life was useless and I was useless; but I realized it was just a state of mind, and actually not a reality. I realized that different natural factors can influence my brain chemistry; but that is just a perspective, not reality!"
I find that being cyclical with my depression allows me to cognitively dismiss it when the feelings of negativity start to creep in (and maybe take some more time for healthy activities to fight away the depression). The on and off again nature allows me to understand that it really is just how my brain and I perceive life; not that my depressed state of mind is an actual reflection of reality.
All that said, I've learned that, at times in my life, my own "brain-power" couldn't do it alone. I am so very gratefull that I found SJW. I definitely prefer it over the prescription meds I took.
Good luck!
Posts: 11 | | Registered: Wed 7 Dec 2005 20:28 |
| | | "Re(6):6th Day Ruminations and Questions... Ke" , Sun 1 Jan 12:56
I think it can work that quickly. Although I react differently to the different brands. I would say that I don't (touch wood) feel as low or get low periods as much anymore. They used to be very bad. I do still get negative rushing thoughts at times throughout the day. These of course are quite damaging but they are still milder. What I can do however is rationalise and address these thoughts when I am in a clear/calm phase. I think the two support each other. This clearing of my mind so that I can do this (and at least have clear phases where I can think) has been a major benefit. The SJW is therefore a first step a boost so to speak. But the other things that I do or have learnt are also crucial. Such as the basics of cognitive behavioural therapy, and doing excercise! I think these three combined are helping me for sure.
Posts: 16 | | Registered: Thu 1 Jul 2004 7:36 |
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