Topic Title: my story...
| |  "my story..."
, Wed 6 Jul 21:28
Hello all... thank you for reading my story.
let me start by saying that seeing everyone's stories have been uplifting to me and made me feel less alone. I have been depressed my whole life. i can remember being about 6 and staring out the window thinking how sad the world is. when i was an adolescant, i started smoking pot and doing drugs and that triggered a very depressive episode. after speaking to me for 5 minutes, a doctor diagnosed me with manic depression. he put me on depakote, lithium, etc. and they all made me feel like a zombie.
as i would come to find out later, i am not bipolar. i am depressed. when i was 18, i moved away to go to college. i had long hair and cut it all off and gained 35 pounds before moving back home. when i got back, i decided i couldn't do it on my own anymore so i went to my dr. evil and told him how i was feeling. well, he had no clue about anything. all he knew was there were a lot of new antidepressants coming out and i should try one so he could make some money. never was it suggested to me to receive psychotherapy, he simply forced the meds down my throat.
he started me out on effexor 75mg, then 150mg. eventually, as i was complaining about the side effects he got me up to 375 mg. when i would miss a dose, i would become so sick and dizzy. but, hey i lost the weight and felt wonderful! i was on the effexor for about 2 years and it was creating such a problem with severe muscle tension and headaches, i was getting massages and matrix treatments twice a week (he made a hell of a lot of money off those as well).
i can't remember exactly what happened but i decided enough was enough and i got off the effexor. i was on my way out of town and it was all i could do not to run my car off the road. the withdrawals were horrifying and i was suicidal (something i had never been before) so when i returned home i went to an actual psychiatrist and psychotherapist.
the dr. put me back on effexor and added celexa. the therapy was working and the medicine felt great. i stopped seeing the therapist because i thought all was well. i switched through meds like crazy. zoloft, celexa, paxil... they all seemed to plateau and then i was back to square one. but i was so deathly afraid to get off of the meds because of the withdrawals i had.
well, two years ago, i broke my leg and had to receive surgery. i was on the paxil and started taking darvocet and demerol for pain. i woke up one morning with a panic attack (my first one ever) and decided it was because of the pain medicine, so i stopped taking it and took advil instead. what was to come was the worst experience of my life. i can't get many doctors to confirm this, but i know what happened in my body.
i hadn't ever heard of ssri half-life. paxil has the lowest half-life with the most withdrawal symptoms. the narcotics had cancelled out the paxil and it had been out of my system for weeks, but i never felt a withdrawal because of the masking of the narcotics. i went through a two-week long 24-hour-a-day anxiety attack until i could get that damn medicine back in my body. and i had to add a new one - ativan for anxiety! i started therapy again and stopped when i felt better. bad idea!!
the new psychiatrist i was seeing told me i had to be on meds for 5 more years because i had two depressive episodes. but both of them were brought on by withdrawal symptoms! no one would listen!! but i was so scared i just let it happen.
needless to say, i have hated ssri's ever since. i want my body to be natural. i switched around again and ended up on prozac and wellbutrin. i decided it was time to get off the meds for good and i did it successfully. i was on some form of ssri for 6 years. that is WAY longer than anyone going through a mild patch of depression should be on them. all because i had gained a little weight and moved away?? my insurance ran out and i thought what a great time to quit. i can do it. i've been dreaming about it for years.
i have been off the ssri's for 12 weeks and was doing great until friday night when i got into a car wreck. now, all of a sudden, i am severely depressed and suicidal and having the worst panic attacks ever. luckily, i have some left over ativan to get me through the worst parts. it turns out these pills that were supposed to help me actually made my original symptoms 100 times worse and added new ones!
i am crying uncontrollably with horrible thoughts and i feel as if i couldn't possibly make it through one more day...
i started taking SAM E four days ago and i ordered amoryl today. the SAM E has yet to affect me, i am thinking about disolving it in some water as i read someone did. i am so close to just getting back on the meds but i was a prisoner to them for so long.
please tell me i can do this. i don't want to be controlled by ssri's. is there anyone out there with a similar story?? i don't think i have severe depression, i think i'm still just having prolonged withdrawals from years of addiction. through all the pills, i never learned to cope with minor things - including traumatic car wrecks. WHO EVER SAYS SSRI'S AREN'T ADDICTING SHOULD BE BANNED FROM EVER SPEAKING AGAIN!!!!
i need some reassurance...
Posts: 0 | | Registered: Wed 6 Jul 2005 18:49 |
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| |  "Re(1):my story..."
, Sun 10 Jul 00:15
Wow, you have had a lot going on. I can't even imagine what you've been going through. I just started SJW and it's working for me. A really close friend of mine was having a lot of problems and is now on Zoloft, and very happy. She tried SJW, but it didn't work for her, so the combination of therapy and Zoloft worked. I didn't want to go the prescription drug route, so I decided to try SJW. It does work. You sound like you have a lot of issues, so SJW may help, but you should probably seek some professional advice. Just my opinion, of course. I hope you get the help you need - I'm sure there are people that need you in their lives. Let us know what you decide.
Posts: 4 | | Registered: Fri 1 Jul 2005 19:59 |
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