just need to vent thanks to anyone listening - http://www.sjwinfo.org Forums
Topic Title: just need to vent thanks to anyone listening
| |  "just need to vent thanks to anyone listening"
, Wed 20 Aug 16:23
I'm soo frustrated with trying to find help with my anxiety and depression.I was on Paxil for two years with good results, but I didn't like the side effects. I had done a lot of reading on alternatives to antidepressants, and decided to try 5-HTP. But the longer I was off the Paxil, the more my symptoms increased. I can't even seem to be happy with my relationship right now, which was quite wonderful when I wasn't feeling like this. After the 5-HTP, I tried Tryptophan, which just made me sleepy. I might not have tried the tryptophan for long enough, but I just didn't feel any effect, and I was soo sick of feeling awful. By the end of a couple of months of feeling like this I was too desperate, and went on 50mgs of Zoloft. That helps a bit, but I think if I am really going to do it that way, I probably need more. I think that there are probably quite viable alternatives out there, and I know they work for many people, but it's just so hard wading through all the possible reasons and treatment options. For instance, Thyroid malfunction can be a problem in many depressed people, food allergies can be at the root of it, so can imbalance in sexual hormones. I get severe pms, and I was thinking that I might have a hormone imbalance, but that's not quite working as I'd like it to either. It's also soo hard to find a doctor who knows about these alternative options, much less one which is covered by insurance. I just feel so lost in a sea of information. I guess brains are just unbelievably complicated, and a small imbalance can create a larger one. I just wish I could find the key to my illness. I am very sick of suffering. I did find one possible doctor who may know how to help me, but I think I may have to go full force onto the Zoloft pretty soon if he can't. In some ways it's good to know that there are other people going through the same thing I am. In other ways it's hard to think of others in this kind of pain. It just sucks the marrow out of life doesn't it? I do find solace in distractions, books, music, movies, video games. But there's always this ugly black hole waiting to suck me down if I can't keep my brain occupied with other things. I also feel like I'm two people: most people don't know about my depression, and think of me as a slightly quiet but cheerful and friendly person. One time when I was in college, and severely depressed, a girl said to me "Sara, I wish I could be like you. You're happy all the time" Ha. If she'd only known. I mean, I need my cheerful normalcy to survive, to keep a job, and make friends. Indeed that is who I am when I am not depressed. So I end up like a mime of my happy self,only inside I'm despairing. Sometimes it helps me to pretend I feel ok: sometimes it actually makes me feel like maybe I am. It's good to get that respite. I don't think I could make it without that. I couldn't be that raw and open. My boyfriend and my close friends know that I get depressed, but I get tiered of telling them about it. Sometimes it makes it feel better, but since there's nothing they can actually do, no actual substance to my feeling of sadness, I end up feeling more lost and futile. It helps to get hugs though, and to do fun things that I would normally enjoy, and hope that I'll feel good again. My depression comes in waves. I feel bad for a week or two or three and then I feel good for a while. So I can always know that it'll eventually change. But It's so difficult to trudge through. I get so mad that I have to endure this. There are other people in this world whose brain chemistry makes them feel good about themselves and motivated and sure. But I guess there are also people starving to death, and raped and abused. I've had a good life externally. It's just that internally I beat myself up all the time, and can't find firm footing in the world. Well, that's enough for now. I really needed that.
Thanks,
Sara
Posts: 33 | | Registered: Wed 23 Apr 2003 14:48 |
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| | "Re(1):just need to vent thanks to anyone list" , Wed 20 Aug 19:00
I know how you feel. I have only recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety and never been on SSRI's, but I have been suffering for many years. You are lucky to have people to talk to when you're down, I haven't told many people about being diagnosed yet. I'm worried they'll treat me differently, like I'm some kind of basketcase.
I told my parents but I laughed it off like the doctor didn't know what he was talking about...My boyfriend knows also, but he just doesn't understand about depression and anxiety. I think he thinks its just all about being sad and worried all the time. He doesn't understand my hypersensitivity or (seemingly) unprovoked crying fits, or my horrible memory, and I try to explain it to him and he just makes comparisons to himself about how he can remember a place he drove one time four years ago, so why can't I remember how to get to some place or why do I get so confused when I'm driving. Or how he can control himself and not cry all the time for no reason, so it's probably the way I was brought up that makes me cry all the time..cuz i think i'll get something out of it....like I can actually control when I cry. Actually, I kind of can control myself for a short period until he says something mean...Then if i don’t cry I feel like i’m going to lose it and punch him. He’s so frustrating and he really pushes my buttons, but on my good days I can just ignore when he says something stupid.
And it's so frustrating because he thinks...if he can remember stuff like directions then I should be able to also....and I try to explain to him that I can't help it and its so frustrating because he just doesn't listen....like I choose to be ditzy all the time. And he teases me all the time about these things that I can't help and I get mad and he says its because I'm also his friend and he teases all his friends and if he can't treat me like a friend also then this is not a relationship. I try to tell him that I need him to be more sensitive and understanding and then he says holding his tongue when someone does something silly (I know he means something stupid) would mean that he isn't being himself and he cant be happy if he's not being himself.
Then I try to explain to him about depression and how some people (like me) have problems with comprehension and it takes them longer to form what they’re going to say...and he’s really impatient and says that what i say seems so planned and insincere. He doesn’t realize that my brain is incredibly disorganized and when I have something I need to say, I have to organize it in my brain first, otherwise it doesn’t make any sense...the right words don’t always pop up when i need them...
He just doesn’t understand me and he’s really stubborn...it’s hard to convince him that he ‘s anything but right all the time....it’s so hard that the most important person in my life doesn’t even understand what I’m going through. I don’t even know if the depression just makes him seem horrible or if it’s really time to end it. I’m mostly scared to end it because I don’t know if he’s really all that bad..what if I break up with him and it ends up being the biggest mistake of my life?
We’ve been together for 3 years and he’s never been unfaithful, never hit me or threatened me, his friends even tease him for being whipped...he makes kissy noises on the phone because he knows I like it, even when his friends are around. He hasn’t even been to a strip club before because he knows it would bother me...and he’s 21...but at the same time, i still feel like he doesnt make much time for me, and I feel like i’m just a backup plan in case nothing exciting is happening one night...and I feel unappreciated...but what if i’m just nuts and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me?
I'm sorry to go on for so long...this has all been pent up for a while and I'm having a hard time, and I see you are as well...
It's too soon for me to find out if the SJW is working yet, but hopefully it will. I hope you find something that works for you...If you do, let me know...
Posts: 1 | | Registered: Tue 19 Aug 2003 21:51 |
| | | "Re(2):just need to vent thanks to anyone list" , Thu 21 Aug 09:10
It's so hard to tell isn't it? When you're depressed, your emotions are so out of control, so negative. So maybe what you're seeing is more a product of that than of actual insight. Sometimes that is true. But it sounds as if there are actual concerns, like your boyfriend not taking your depression and anxiety seriously. It is hard to understand if you've never been through it before. Yet, it is possible for a person who doesn't understand to still be supportive and respect your wishes not to tease you too much. I think that's one of the most important things in a relationship; respecting each other's wishes and concerns. I guess you just have to ask yourself whether he adds more joy to your life or more sorrow. If it's the latter, than maybe it's time to end it. If it's the former, than try to get treatment for your depression, so that you can see more clearly, and perhaps take him in to talk to your doctor so that he takes it more seriously, and understands what the illness entails. Perhaps you could also get him a book on depression so that his understanding continues to broaden. If you find that SJW doesn't help, don't hesitate to use an antidepressant. They do have some side effects, but it's much better than being miserable. Take care of yourself. I know there doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel, but there will be. *hug* I hope you feel better soon.
Posts: 36 | | Registered: Wed 23 Apr 2003 14:48 |
| | | "Re(3):just need to vent thanks to anyone list" , Fri 22 Aug 21:04
Thank you so much for your reply. I felt a lot better knowing that there are other people out there who understand what I'm going through and can offer a different perspective and help me realize I'm not some defective person.
When I'm depressed, it's hard to remember this, but my boyfriend is very cynical. He refuses to believe anything without the "cold, hard facts" and if the "facts" come from a source about which he is suspicious, then he still will not be swayed. For example, he is very suspicious of drug companies and doctors because of bad experiences his friends have had regarding misdiagnosing and treating ailments that they didn't have. He even thinks the fact that his own mom was diagnosed with a learning disability is BS. He thinks doctors and drug companies run some kind of scheme where the doc gets some kind of benefit from prescribing a certain company's drugs (though who knows if some do that). His opinion does have merit though--the Power Elite have control over pretty much everything and it's impossible to know who's got the hidden agenda and who truly wants to help people or inform the public or what have you. But that's a different discussion.
Is there any other way you can think of that I might be able to educate him about depression and anxiety? I have a feeling that he'd be able to find some reason not to believe what I tell him, no matter where the info came or how I delivered it. I think the only way is to just get better (that should be easy) and go from there. I'm thinking of trying Rhodiola because of all the posts I've read about it. I think it might be an effective treatment for me, considering that (I think) my depression is a product of my anxiety.
It's usually a cycle beginning with social anxiety, then being anxious and embarrassed about being anxious, then being pissed off because no one else has to go through what I do so they seem smarter and more articulate than I--even though I know I'm smarter than they are and what's wrong with me? Why can't I prove that I'm better than them? or Why can't I just be more like them? Then I feel guilty because I believe God made me this way for a reason, but then knowing that helps. But then I feel guilty for trying to change myself. Then I get all frustrated and have a crying fit.
Sorry, I feel like I keep getting off topic.
Anyway, Thanks again for your reply. It really helped to pull me out of the hole and think clearer about my situation. I'm sorry, I feel like I've been selfish, dumping my problems on you when I should have been trying to make you feel better...your post just caught me at a bad time.
Anyway, How have you been doing lately? I hope things have been getting better for you. I know how overwhelming it is with all that information out there. But remember--every time you find something that doesn't work for you, you're that much closer to finding something that DOES work. I hope that makes sense. I tend to ramble and not explain my thoughts very clearly, but hopefully the Rhodiola will help that...hehehe
Take care of yourself and keep in touch!
judyjudy
Posts: 3 | | Registered: Tue 19 Aug 2003 21:51 |
| | | "Re(4):just need to vent thanks to anyone list" , Tue 26 Aug 15:37
Hi Judyjudy,
I am actually feeling much better thank you. It's strange, when you were describing your progression from social anxiety to depression, it sounded so much like myself I felt I almost could have written that.
You know, I was in the store yesterday, and I saw a book called "when someone you love is depressed" and I thought of you. I don't know if he'd respond or not, but maybe it's worth buying and asking him if he'd please read it, so that he can understand you better. I guess a psychological perspective might be a means of avoiding the "doctor/drug company" phobia, because I don't think that book was touting pharmaceuticals, simply trying to explain what a loved one is going through, and how to best deal with it. That's all I can think of at the moment. I don't know if it's just coincidence, but I feel better since taking the Rhodiola. Of course, this is usually a good week for me, as my symptoms are often hormonally influenced as well. I just saw a doctor this morning who I think may actually be able to help me. He's a psychiatrist, but he's interested in finding the underlying physical cause of depression and correcting it, without antidepressants if possible, with them if necessary. He gave me a new antidepressant to try called Lexiprol (I think) while we do a bunch of blood tests and try to figure out what is going on with my body. I feel hopeful about him. He's really interested in helping me.
I hope you're feeling better too.
Sara
Posts: 40 | | Registered: Wed 23 Apr 2003 14:48 |
| | | "Re(5):just need to vent thanks to anyone list" , Wed 27 Aug 20:16
Hi, I'm glad to hear you're doing better. I've been doing much better since that first post, but today was not so good. It might be because I took my Rhodiola a little late today..but it was not horrible. Today was one of the first days back to school and we had to do that stupid tell-us-about-yourself exercise to get to know fellow students in our class..as soon as it was my turn I got a horrible flash of anxiety and it felt as if I was too terrified to speak, but surprisingly enough, I spoke coherently without geting tongue tied, and after I was done, my anxiety left almost as soon as it came. During our class discussion, I actually could think fairly clearly the whole time (a big change for me), but was still too shy to contribute anything. I guess the true test of whether it's working will be the week and a half before my period..that's when things get bad.
I found out from a classmate about our Advanced Design class this semester. Turns out that one of the requirements is that we will each have to attend at least 3 networking events and obtain business cards. I have no idea how I will manage getting through that without having a breakdown, I get anxious just thinking about it. I haven't even had my first class yet!
I'm thinking of making an appointment to get my blood checked for a thyroid problem, but I don't know who to make an appointment with. Do you know? Does my doctor do it, or do I get a referral to someone who does it?
It's good to know you found a good doctor. I feel like that's something I should try to do, but I'm not sure if my insurance will cover a psychiatrist. My mom said it probably won't be covered. That, plus the fact that I already feel overwhelmed with the thought of 18 credit hours, makes it seem like it would be too hard to try and do that right now. My PCP didn't seem like he really cared about helping me...all he tried to do was push drugs on me.
Thanks for the advice about the book, for some reason I was thinking that all books about depression would be written by doctors and drug companies. I tend to get stuck on certain ideas even when they don't make sense. It's hard for me to see different perspectives until I (or someone else) force myself to see the other alternatives. That's usually what happens when my boyfriend and I fight--he usually points out how ridiculous I'm being and then I finally realize it myself.
Thanks again, and I hope it all works out with this new doctor!
judyjudy
Posts: 11 | | Registered: Tue 19 Aug 2003 21:51 |
| | | "Re(6):just need to vent thanks to anyone list" , Tue 2 Sep 23:04
Hey Judy,
You say you feel bad a week and a half before your period? Your hormones could be out of balance. If I were you, I'd go check out Gillian Ford's book "listening to your hormones." It's got all kinds of useful information about hormone imbalances which can trigger severe pms. I get a similar thing myself, and I'm trying to weed out what the problem is. There are tons of good books out there on hormone balancing. You may have a lack of progesterone during that part of your cycle, which can trigger intense emotional instability. Or you could have too little estrogen, which I know less about. But if you and your doctor decide to try hormone suplementation, make sure that you use what are called "natural" hormones, rather than the synthetic kind. They're only natural in that they mimic the chemical structure of human hormones exactly. The most widely used hormones today (used mostly out of habit I think) are a copy of the hormones found in horse urine, and often make pms symptoms worse. Anyway, read it yourself for a more thorough understanding. I hope the Rhodiola continues to help. Sorry it's been so long since I've written. I have been sick for about six days now, and the doctors still don't know what's wrong. I am afraid I might have mono, but it could be something else entirely. Feel Good,
Sara
Posts: 47 | | Registered: Wed 23 Apr 2003 14:48 |
| | "Re(1):just need to vent thanks to anyone list" , Wed 20 Aug 18:48
Hi,
Although I've no magical solution to your concerns sometimes it just helps to know that someone understands and is a survivor of the same types of challenges and concerns....that's me, I guess. Unfortunately I allow myself to be seduced by the "good" bouts into believing that I'm no longer going to have to face the "bad". Wrong! Sometimes I feel as if I'm living the ****ens writing: "It was the best of times. It was the worst of times." If only I could just remove my head and place it on the nightstand! Not to mention that it would be great to have a selection of heads and an array of "looks" to choose from! Thank God for a sense of humour (when it chooses to surface). Take care and know that others care. *Hug*
Posts: 3 | | Registered: Sat 12 Jul 2003 22:17 |
| | |  "Re(2):just need to vent thanks to anyone list"
, Thu 21 Aug 08:57
Thanks Lakelady, it's good to feel a cosmic "hug" from someone who understands. I needed that.
Posts: 35 | | Registered: Wed 23 Apr 2003 14:48 |
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