blue_eyed_monkey
7th September, 2006, 05:39 PM
Greetings earthlings...
Throughout most of my life I have gone in and out of minor depressions. It probably started when I was about 16 years old. For many years it was quite subtle and I even miss it sometimes.
The last few years it has gotten worse and very specific. It began when a relationship of 6 years ended and I promptly began the slow 3 year process of turning "off" my ability to feel joy, love or hope so that I could avoid feelings the pain that came when they were not as readily available. Looking back at teh relationship I have realized I was not happy for most of it. I got used to that state and forgot what real feelings of caring and selfless joy for another felt like.
I met a man about 8 mos. ago who changed that for me. I felt very strongly for him right away and he became my best friend and more. About 3 mos. in I was actually able to access the feeling called "love". It was intense and wonderful and I shared it with him.
That feeling only reared it's head for a short while and now only shows up for fleating moments. I feel nothing but sadness and anger is all aspects of my life. Don't get me wrong...I am not walking around feeling angry all teh time. I am also not, generally, feeling sad all the time. But, the symptoms that I have are thus:
1. I go through periods where NOTHING makes me laugh. Things make me smile or chuckle sacrastically, but nothing can make me belly laugh. This is major since I am p[rone to HUGE laughing fits and rolling on the floor over jokes. I am really funny to..clever even...and can't seem to access that part of myself when I am depressed.
2. I can only feeling meloncholoy when I feel anything at all for my son, lover or family. I can't miss anyone...even when they are aqway a long time...I can't feel the joy of companionship of any of the above beyond said "smile".
3. I am unable to sort out what I DO feel many times because I have NO physical cues to go on. It's all intellectual.
I know my emotions are there and can quantify and qualify them. It feels like they are all locked up tight in a mesh box that sits just behind my heart and at times...for mere moments...some seep through and I get to enjoy them, but for many many years I have had various episodes that last a few months where I can't feel any of them. This current episode has been with me for 4 years(barring the weeks surrounding when I realized I love someone) and I just can't tolerate living my life with so few "colors" anymore.
That is why I just took my first dose of SJW GNC Berbal Plus Standardized about 2 hours ago.
I was very pleased to find this site and will be posting often.
Not a brief intro...but...heh I have never been one to hold my tongue or close my heart to anything. I am an open book.
Glad to be here.
Throughout most of my life I have gone in and out of minor depressions. It probably started when I was about 16 years old. For many years it was quite subtle and I even miss it sometimes.
The last few years it has gotten worse and very specific. It began when a relationship of 6 years ended and I promptly began the slow 3 year process of turning "off" my ability to feel joy, love or hope so that I could avoid feelings the pain that came when they were not as readily available. Looking back at teh relationship I have realized I was not happy for most of it. I got used to that state and forgot what real feelings of caring and selfless joy for another felt like.
I met a man about 8 mos. ago who changed that for me. I felt very strongly for him right away and he became my best friend and more. About 3 mos. in I was actually able to access the feeling called "love". It was intense and wonderful and I shared it with him.
That feeling only reared it's head for a short while and now only shows up for fleating moments. I feel nothing but sadness and anger is all aspects of my life. Don't get me wrong...I am not walking around feeling angry all teh time. I am also not, generally, feeling sad all the time. But, the symptoms that I have are thus:
1. I go through periods where NOTHING makes me laugh. Things make me smile or chuckle sacrastically, but nothing can make me belly laugh. This is major since I am p[rone to HUGE laughing fits and rolling on the floor over jokes. I am really funny to..clever even...and can't seem to access that part of myself when I am depressed.
2. I can only feeling meloncholoy when I feel anything at all for my son, lover or family. I can't miss anyone...even when they are aqway a long time...I can't feel the joy of companionship of any of the above beyond said "smile".
3. I am unable to sort out what I DO feel many times because I have NO physical cues to go on. It's all intellectual.
I know my emotions are there and can quantify and qualify them. It feels like they are all locked up tight in a mesh box that sits just behind my heart and at times...for mere moments...some seep through and I get to enjoy them, but for many many years I have had various episodes that last a few months where I can't feel any of them. This current episode has been with me for 4 years(barring the weeks surrounding when I realized I love someone) and I just can't tolerate living my life with so few "colors" anymore.
That is why I just took my first dose of SJW GNC Berbal Plus Standardized about 2 hours ago.
I was very pleased to find this site and will be posting often.
Not a brief intro...but...heh I have never been one to hold my tongue or close my heart to anything. I am an open book.
Glad to be here.